CAN'T AFFORD THIS BROKEN HEART OF MINE........ - Day 9 / FPU

It's 9:56am.  I'm at the cardiologist's office, waiting to see the doctor.  I've been having some little heart problems, just off and on, for the last two years but now my symptoms are happening more often.  My referring physician, from yesterday afternoon's visit to an Urgent Care Center, prescribed nitroglycerin pills and wanted me to be admitted to the hospital right away.  I said no. 

 

Wanna know why I simply can't afford to have any medical issues going on right now?  Two reasons:   

• Financially it will really mess up my plan for my emergency fund PLUS I simply don't have the extra money to pay what my insurance won't cover. 
• On the emotional front I don't want to bother anyone.
• My stepfather is going through his third round of cancer and chemo.  My mother needs to be with him.  My sister is not able to leave her home because she recently had back and neck surgery. My daughter lives and works in Massachussetts and I don't want her to spend the money to come home.

Just got called in - gotta go.

It's 11:09 am.  I just left the Dr.'s office.  Dr. Parikh thinks I have a blockage somewhere in my heart.  I've been given permission to drive myself home to pack a bag then I'm going to be admitted to Wake Med Heart Center for heart catheterization.  I'm at the library, finishing this post before I go home to pack for a hopefully brief hospital stay.  Yeah, the library.  My computer blew up a while ago so I have to use public one's to post.

I'm scared.  I have no one to take me to the hospital or visit me while I'm there.  My dearest friend is on a well deserved vacation and the other woman to whom I was once so close has decided she doesn't need me for a friend anymore so support from her is no longer an option.  Time to pull up my big girl panties and get on with it.

Anyway, hopefully tomorrow I'll be posting my plan for paying for this UNPLANNED hospital visit.  I wish I could tell my heart "No!  Not now, not yet.  I don't have my emergency fund in place."

I can't afford to pay for this broken heart of mine.

 

Until next time....

Forgive me my moment of honesty here: 

“It's getting to the point where I am no fun anymore, I am sorry. / Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud, ' I am lonely.' / I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are, you make it hard.”

David Crosby

NERD, MEET FREE SPIRIT. FREE SPIRIT, MEET NERD – Day 8 / Financial Peace University

What’s good about being single when it comes to money?  I’m not accountable to anyone for anything I buy.  

What’s bad about being single when it comes to money?  I’m not accountable to anyone for anything I buy.    

Yeah – it’s a Catch-22 situation for this Free Spirit.  

At last night’s class – the second of thirteen – we watched a DVD of Dave Ramsey talking about the different ways men and women, couples, and singles approach the act of spending.

Dave explained about the two types of spenders.  There are Nerds, and there Free Spirits.  He gave lots of scenarios to define a nerd and a free spirit and we all laughed from time to time because we saw ourselves so accurately portrayed. 

Basically, a nerd has a financial stick up his butt.  He has a rigid idea of money and spending, likes lists, makes decisions quickly and sticks to them.  The free spirit is like Scarlett O’Hara: ‘I’ll think about that tomorrow” attitude, impulsive, and has no budgeting skills.  Mind you, these are my generalizations from Dave Ramsey’s much more detailed explanations.

Dave used as an illustration of nerds and free spirits a couple who had attended the first FPU session.  As I had mentioned in a previous entry, there’s a homework assignment to do a ‘quickie budget.’  Dave said before they ever reached their car in the front row spot of the parking lot the nerd already had the budget half done in his head.  Then they get home and the nerd jots it all down on the form and hands it to the free spirit as a done deal, talking all the while about how perfect the budget is.  The free spirit says things like ‘Fine.  Whatever. You’re the expert, not me.” 

We all laughed when Dave told the audience, “Nerds, you gotta shut up.  Just shut up.  Once you explain your point, shut up.  Free spirits, show up!  You gotta show up to the meeting.” 

For me, that summed up my previous financial circumstances.  My ex was the nerd and I became the free spirit in self defense.  It was much easier to just agree with him so he’d shut up.  Then I’d simply go do whatever I wanted.  Shameful, I know, but it’s what I did.  

When it comes to financial decision making, “the nerd likes doing the budget because it gives them control, and they feel like they are taking care of loved ones.  The free spirit feels controlled, not cared for, and can appear irresponsible to the nerd.” Financial Peace University Workbook

Bingo.  It comes down to how we communicate about money.  Through this course, I know that when I decide to invite someone into my life, I’ll know how to talk about money with him.  

However, since I have no one in my life at the moment, I have to find an ‘accountability partner.’  I’m now very much aware of when I am in danger of slipping back into free spirit mode when it comes to money.  It still happens far too often for my liking but I know it will change as my attitude changes.  “I did not get into financial stress quickly, and I will most likely walk out of it slowly.”  Financial Peace University Workbook

I had said earlier that there was a lot of laughter at the nerd/free spirit scenarios.  What I didn't mention was the undercurrent of "OMG, is that really me?", followed by "OMG, that really is me!"  I came away from the session with a new awareness and appreciation of how the other side (the Nerds) think.  However, I think my biggest take-away from last night's class is self-awareness,  And with that awareness comes a sense of self-control. 

I never realized how good it would feel to be in control of myself.  So this 'free spirit' is going to dabble in the dark side LOL and empower my 'nerd' self.  Nerd, meet Free Spirit.  Free Spirit, meet Nerd.  What a lovely couple you make!  


Until next time....

Money is neither my god nor my devil. It is a form of energy that tends to make us more of who we already are, whether it's greedy or loving. ~ Dan Millman

HOMECOMING: A DICHOTOMY OF LIFE - Day 7 / Financial Peace University

Today's entry at one of my other blogs, Tales From My Tiny Kitchen, served as a reminder that I need to build an emergency fund, and more quickly than I thought.  My folks are aging; my stepfather is very sick from this latest bout of cancer. 


I'm sad today.  I couldn't figure out why until I simply closed my eyes and wrote the following.  


Saturday with my mother. We went to Long’s Plant Farm and bought huge bright yellow mums. Grace, one of the resident farm cats loved mom and was constantly rubbing up against her leg or hopping up on the flower stands and walking over to nudge mom’s hand for petting and loving. Mom laughter at the cat’s sweet attention hung in the air, light and tinkly – like the music from those old fashioned small rectangle glass wind chimes. The day was sunny and bright with just a hint of summer’s warmth left in it. We headed home and spent a lovely afternoon baking Chocolate Delight and Mississippi Mud Cake for her church’s annual Homecoming Celebration the next day. This was such a beautiful clip of time that it will remain in my heart’s memory for the rest of my life.


Saturday with my stepfather. Pa spent Saturday in the family room, in his recliner. He slept most of the day. I checked on him every ten minutes or so. His bright blue pajamas couldn’t lift the pallor from his skin. He had pulled the blanket up under his chin to try to get warm, even though it was 73 degrees in the room. Pa woke up every few minutes to run to the bathroom – a horrifically constant side effect of his third round of chemo in the last two years. Every once in a while he’d join in the conversation for a minute or two as if reminding himself, as well as us, that he was still with us. I leaned over to kiss his forehead. He glanced up at me, almost as if he was seeing me for the first time. His eyes carry a new knowledge. He's awaiting Homecoming as well. As we held each other’s gaze for one splintery sharp moment, he nodded his love at me and I nodded mine back to him. This too is emblazoned in my heart’s memory and will remain there for the rest of my life.


Baking with my mother for their church homecoming and watching my stepfather waste away from this damn cancer ~ such a dichotomy of life this weekend.

I'm hoping I'll learn something in tonight's class that will help me build up some money sooner rather than later.  Wish I could shake this sadness.  Wish I could shake a money tree.  Wish I was already through this course and was financially stable.

Until next time....

If wishes were horses

Beggars would ride

 

If turnips were watches

I would wear one by my side.

 

And if ifs and ands were pots and pans,

The tinker would never work!

ROCK BOTTOM FAILURE: A STRONG FOUNDATION FOR SUCCESS – Days 4-6 / Financial Peace University

Apologies to myself and any readers out there are in order for the lapse in blog posts.  I left for a visit at my parents’ home (an hour and a half drive each way) on Saturday morning and have had no opportunity to blog about my finances until now.

On the long drive to work here in Raleigh this morning (I left Goldsboro at 6:30am), I had the opportunity to listen without distraction to XMRadio.  I was scrolling through the stations looking for a financial show when I heard Oprah Winfrey interviewing J.K. Rowling.   

The rightfully revered author of the Harry Potter books made a statement in response to one on Oprah’s questions that blew my socks off.  In essence, Rowling said she hit rock bottom and that became the solid foundation upon which she rebuilt her life.

Admittedly, this doesn’t look like much of a statement when written on paper.  However, it really resonated with me because I’m now at rock bottom.  It’s ironic that not having any further to fall is the strongest position I’ve ever been in from a financial standpoint.  I agree with Rowling; rock bottom is incredibly liberating, very freeing.  

Think about it….I live so close to poverty I can smell its rank breath as it kisses me ‘Good Morning’ on the dawn of each new day.   What do I have to lose now?  Zero is about as final as it comes – well, besides death of course and I’m NOT planning on that anytime soon.  So my freefall from grace has ended.  My feet are on solid ground.  I have nowhere to go but up.   

Rowling said in her 2008 Harvard Commencement speech that she’d always known she wanted to be a writer.  However, circumstances steered her otherwise.  She told of her life story – how she ended up a single parent without a job, her clinical depression upon the death of her mother six months after she began writing her first novel.  She was as close to poverty as one can be without being homeless (sound familiar????  Yeah – that’s me).  

After coming through her financial hardships through finally having her first Harry Potter book published she came to the conclusion that  “Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticized only by fools.  …

“So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. “

And here’s the Amen Sister part of her speech:  “I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me [her writing].”  

That’s what I’ve done as well.  I’ve stopped pretending that I’m anything other than what I am: a writer.  A broke writer, hanging on to the hem of poverty’s skirt so she doesn’t slide over the edge and carry me with her, but a writer still.  

And that’s the bare bones of who and what I am – a writer.  I’ve stripped away all the ‘just a’  labels (I’m just a mom, I’m just a secretary, I’m just a daughter, just a sister, just a, just a, just a….).  I’m not ‘just a’ anything. 

So what does this have to do with Financial Peace University?  

Well, I finally have a tool to put a plan in place to be the writer I know I can be.  I have a story I have to tell the world.  However, I have to work everyday and can’t indulge my muse every time she comes to visit me.   Using Dave Ramsey’s plan will get me to the financial level I need to be so I can quit working and write.  

Hey, I’m realistic.  It won’t happen this year or the next.  But it will happen in the next five years and I can and will work my plan to achieve my goal.  

I’m tired of where I am.  This financial yoke has caused numerous hours of stress and fear and hiding and embarrassment and as many negative emotions as I can think of.  

However, it has also shown what’s really important to me.  It’s made me sharper, has forced me to define who I am, what I want, and what I have to do to achieve my goal. 

I’m taking control of my financial future.  Through a failure, I’ve succeeded.  

It seems Rowling and I have lived very similar lives and apparently we both have a newly discovered indomitable spirit as well.  She closed her address as follows:

"Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above rubies.

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned. "

Until next time....


What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality. ~ Plutarch

AN HONEST ASSESSMENT - Day 3 / Financial Peace University

Today is payday which translates into bill pay day. My rent is due, as are several monthly bills. Today is a perfect time to finish getting all my bills on automatic bill pay.

Today is also the perfect day to start on that envelope system I was reading about. We haven’t got that far yet in the course but I’m going to give it a try right now and refine it later.

So – all cash for me. I’ll withdraw what I think I’ll need until next payday (two weeks from now) and divide it among the envelopes. I promise myself I will record each penny.

Wish me luck as I wean myself off my blind ATM card usage. I’ll miss my magic card – I was very loyal to it. So loyal, in fact, that I never had cash on me, not even a dollar bill.

I read in Dave Ramsey’s book, Financial Peace Revisited, that spending with plastic has no emotion attached to it. Upon reflection, I have to agree with that. I never logged in any of my purchases when I used my debit or credit cards; I kept a running tally in my head. Not of how much I had spent, but how much I had left to spend. My purchases weren’t for clothing but food. One thing in my favor is that I’m not a shopaholic! However, I am a foodie which is not a cheap hobby. I love eating in restaurants and would eat out every night if I could.

That method got me in trouble more than once because I would forget that I had an auto payment come out for my car insurance or something else and then suddenly, I had only half as much as I thought I did. But it was the only method I knew.

I tried to get my bank to show me how to balance my checkbook but the woman just looked at me like I was crazy so I didn’t pursue it. Embarrassment at my lack of financial education has kept me from getting the help I needed. Not standing up for what I needed was my error.

However, I now am aware of and realize my money mistakes and I’m no longer afraid to stand up for myself and take action to change my thought and behavior patterns. I’ve had some life-changing ah-ha moments this year ~ both spiritual and emotional. I’ve broken free of most of the chains of the years of abuse I suffered and believe it or not, my money views are one of the last links in that chain to go. I could write on and on about the shame I felt, how accomplished I am at hiding my feelings and my inability to ask for help. I know how my distance from myself has affected me throughout all my relationships but the main point I’m trying to make is that I have realized I never felt worthy of anything. Not love, not friendship, not money.

The days of perpetuating my perceived self-worthlessness are over. Now, I have to learn how to live in a healthy way with a healthy attitude toward love, friendship and money.

Hmmmm, is it just me or am I standing straighter these days? Is this buoyant feeling in my heart hope for my future? Excitement that I am taking control of my finances? Is it simply the adrenaline of realized self-worth?
I’m so grateful the universe led me to this opportunity.

I’m grateful I wasn’t still so mired in worthlessness disguised by false bravado that I couldn’t see the wonderful gift of financial freedom that was right in front of me.

I’m grateful that I’m beginning to be aware of how every little thought and action and behavior leads to either a positive or negative outcome.

Funny, I thought I would miss my former state of oblivion – now I’m wondering how I remained there for so long.

Until next time....

Money is neither my god nor my devil. It is a form of energy that tends to make us more of who we already are, whether it's greedy or loving. ~ Dan Millman

GOT MY HOMEWORK DONE - Day 2 / Financial Peace University

So – FPU has homework.  We were tasked on Tuesday night to do a ‘Quickie Budget’ and bring it back in with us this coming Tuesday.  I used the copy provided in our workbooks and after filling in how much I spend each month on 'the necessities,' I was really surprised to see where I can probably knock off about $110.00 from my normal spending habits.  Oh sure, my rent is a set amount, my water, electricity and car insurance is pretty much the same amount each month.  But my other spending....$200 a month on food, $100 a month on entertainment?  No, I can really cut that amount down by almost 50%.

That’s great news…I can put 50% of that money towards my emergency fund, use 25% to pay extra money on the education loan I took out for my daughter and budget the last 25% as savings toward buying a notebook or netbook.  My computer died and I have to buy a new one for my writing.  However, I refuse to use my new credit card, or even worse, use in-store financing with their outrageous terms so I'll save my cash until I have enough to buy what I want.  

We were also tasked to read chapters 1, 2, 3, and 10 to prepare for next week's lesson – I am halfway through the book already!  I’ve been reading about using an envelope system ~ the leather folder and envelopes were provided in the tool kit I received the first night ~ and it looks very user-friendly.  The concept is so simple that even I, the financial illiterate, understand it.  I plan for and then budget out so much for food, entertaining, car expenses, etc., and the CASH goes in separate envelopes that are preprinted on the front with little boxes.  I simply enter the date, the amount spent, and what the purchase was for.  When the cash is gone, it's gone!  

I will read more about it today and put it in practice as soon as I can.  The idea is to NOT use credit cards but cash only.  The idea is to live within my means.  It will be very easy to note on the outside of the envelope just what I purchased and for how much.  Of course, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with the change as the envelopes don’t seal totally closed but I’m sure I’ll figure that out.  Wait…I just looked again and there is a small plastic zip pouch, similar to a mini pencil holder, behind the envelopes.  Guess that's where it goes, huh?

It turns out it was a good thing that I lost my debit card – I’m already much more mindful of my money now that I have to physically write a check (which I hate to do), or go to the bank to get cash before making a purchase.  

Can you tell I’m excited about this?  Me…blogging about money.  Who’da thunk it?

I am giving this everything I have to ensure I succeed!

Until next time....

Money is neither my god nor my devil. It is a form of energy that tends to make us more of who we already are, whether it's greedy or loving. ~ Dan Millman

BABY STEPS – DAY 1/Financial Peace University

I plan on retiring with dignity.


However, with no savings and no financial plan and no knowledge of how to handle money I can never retire.  Hmmmm, not good.


Good thing I have a plan to fix that.


Last night I attended my first Financial Peace University class. As I drove the short three minutes from my apartment to Journeys church, I was feeling a little proud of myself for actually doing something to improve my financial situation but I wasn’t looking forward to the dry lecture I was sure was awaiting me.


What a welcome surprise to be met at the doorway with a smile and a genuine welcome by Jeff Cook, the course coordinator! We spoke for a moment as he explained the program just a bit and told me the course cost. I didn’t have an extra $109.00 (don’t know why I thought it was free – maybe because it was being held in the church); Jeff said, “No problem! Just bring the money in next week” and gave me the entire box of books, workbooks and various tools that we will be using during the next 13 weeks.


It was a fun and informative format.  No dry Ben Stein voice droning on about finance and using terms that I neither know nor understand.  Jeff introduced himself and the course.  Then we all introduced ourselves (I think there were 10 of us).  After that, we watched a one hour video of Dave Ramsey explaining why and how we need to save (there are three reasons).  We took a short break then re-gathered in a small group to talk about what we'd just seen, heard, and learned.  Along with the laughter - we all recognized various aspects of ourselves in Dave's video, there were two ah-ha moments for me.  Definitely not what I was expecting! 

So, what did I learn last night?

I will not be debt free immediately but I will be debt free soon. There are what Dave Ramsey refers to as Baby Steps (seven – count ‘em – seven steps) that will get me started. The first step is to get $1,000.00 in an emergency fund. I think I will be able to achieve this first step in a month by watching every penny I spend.


I haven’t done a budget yet – that comes later – but I think I can cut out a few things that quite frankly, are quick money-suckers. Three things that immediately come to mind are buying wine and lottery tickets each time I go to the grocery store, and going out to eat (which I do too often). I can divert that money into my emergency fund instead of using it as a temporary salve to soothe the loneliness of living alone. Hmmmm, amazing what realizations come out as I write. I wasn’t aware I was doing that until just this second.


Dave Ramsey said in the one hour video we watched last night that saving money is an exercise in character; that wise people save money. At first, I was defensive. I have a pretty decent character I told myself: I don’t lie, cheat or steal. I try to pay my bills on time. I don’t kick dogs or old ladies. Yada, yada, yada. Then I got what he was saying. I have to be proactive, not reactive. That’s a sign of character. The mental discipline it will take to get me from financial embarrassment to financial enjoyment is a sign of character. Another character aspect that just hit me is that I am making a commitment to myself; I am valuing myself by taking care of me now and on into retirement. I think my chin just came up a fraction of a notch….I can do this.


One of the many ‘thoughts’ sprinkled throughout the workbook is “One definition of maturity is learning to delay pleasure. Children do what feels good; adults devise a plan and follow it.” Impulsivity (at which I excel) with its associated regrets (which I always experience) is not a sign of a strong character. However, guilt-free gratification is indicative of my belief in myself, the validity of my goals, and the strength of my self-discipline.


Saving money will not be easy. There are many temptations out there trying to grab my hard earned money. But like the tenants in all the twelve-step programs, I can make it if I start minute by minute making this one right choice, hour by hour of choosing to manage my money rather than it managing me, day by day of choosing whether to be wasteful or wise.


Create an emergency fund of $1,000.00.  Yeah, I'm willing to take this first baby step towards financial freedom. I am willing to take this baby step, and the next one, and the one after that to live comfortably in my present, plan for my future, and retire with dignity.


Bring it on, Dave Ramsey!




Until next time....

Money is neither my god nor my devil. It is a form of energy that tends to make us more of who we already are, whether it's greedy or loving. ~ Dan Millman