AN HONEST ASSESSMENT - Day 3 / Financial Peace University

Today is payday which translates into bill pay day. My rent is due, as are several monthly bills. Today is a perfect time to finish getting all my bills on automatic bill pay.

Today is also the perfect day to start on that envelope system I was reading about. We haven’t got that far yet in the course but I’m going to give it a try right now and refine it later.

So – all cash for me. I’ll withdraw what I think I’ll need until next payday (two weeks from now) and divide it among the envelopes. I promise myself I will record each penny.

Wish me luck as I wean myself off my blind ATM card usage. I’ll miss my magic card – I was very loyal to it. So loyal, in fact, that I never had cash on me, not even a dollar bill.

I read in Dave Ramsey’s book, Financial Peace Revisited, that spending with plastic has no emotion attached to it. Upon reflection, I have to agree with that. I never logged in any of my purchases when I used my debit or credit cards; I kept a running tally in my head. Not of how much I had spent, but how much I had left to spend. My purchases weren’t for clothing but food. One thing in my favor is that I’m not a shopaholic! However, I am a foodie which is not a cheap hobby. I love eating in restaurants and would eat out every night if I could.

That method got me in trouble more than once because I would forget that I had an auto payment come out for my car insurance or something else and then suddenly, I had only half as much as I thought I did. But it was the only method I knew.

I tried to get my bank to show me how to balance my checkbook but the woman just looked at me like I was crazy so I didn’t pursue it. Embarrassment at my lack of financial education has kept me from getting the help I needed. Not standing up for what I needed was my error.

However, I now am aware of and realize my money mistakes and I’m no longer afraid to stand up for myself and take action to change my thought and behavior patterns. I’ve had some life-changing ah-ha moments this year ~ both spiritual and emotional. I’ve broken free of most of the chains of the years of abuse I suffered and believe it or not, my money views are one of the last links in that chain to go. I could write on and on about the shame I felt, how accomplished I am at hiding my feelings and my inability to ask for help. I know how my distance from myself has affected me throughout all my relationships but the main point I’m trying to make is that I have realized I never felt worthy of anything. Not love, not friendship, not money.

The days of perpetuating my perceived self-worthlessness are over. Now, I have to learn how to live in a healthy way with a healthy attitude toward love, friendship and money.

Hmmmm, is it just me or am I standing straighter these days? Is this buoyant feeling in my heart hope for my future? Excitement that I am taking control of my finances? Is it simply the adrenaline of realized self-worth?
I’m so grateful the universe led me to this opportunity.

I’m grateful I wasn’t still so mired in worthlessness disguised by false bravado that I couldn’t see the wonderful gift of financial freedom that was right in front of me.

I’m grateful that I’m beginning to be aware of how every little thought and action and behavior leads to either a positive or negative outcome.

Funny, I thought I would miss my former state of oblivion – now I’m wondering how I remained there for so long.

Until next time....

Money is neither my god nor my devil. It is a form of energy that tends to make us more of who we already are, whether it's greedy or loving. ~ Dan Millman